


Blue Light Yokohama

by Kitsune_no_Kami



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Angst, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Introspection, Mid-Canon, Missing Scene, One Shot, Pre-Cantarella Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:07:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29844711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitsune_no_Kami/pseuds/Kitsune_no_Kami
Summary: "If breaking your heart is the only way to ensure it continues beating, then I know what I must do."A look into Anthy's mind immediately before the Cantarella Scene.
Relationships: Himemiya Anthy & Tenjou Utena, Himemiya Anthy/Ohtori Akio, Ohtori Akio/Tenjou Utena
Kudos: 5





	Blue Light Yokohama

**Author's Note:**

> The lines in kursive are translated excerpts of the lyrics to "Blue Light Yokohama" by Ayumi Ishida.

It is almost an ordinary evening, if anything can be called ordinary in this land of eternal spring. There is a pattern to each day, a pattern that is rarely disrupted by anything – and if it is disrupted, it is by design. His design, our design, _my_ design.

Are you sure,

are you sure,

are you sure about that?

It’s nothing but a whispering shadow and I pay no notice … but for the first time in an eternity, I am surprised as I enter the chairman’s residence. A melody meets me as I step out of the elevator, it’s bright and almost jazzy, the sort of song you might expect to be played at an old-fashioned dance hall where young couples sway and smile to the rhythm. Somehow that image of joy and innocence lends a melancholy to those upbeat chords. Where was it coming from? Brother does not usually play music … so it must be _you_.

I find you in the kitchen and see you’ve set up brother’s record player. He doesn’t let me touch his things - but he probably told you it was yours to borrow whenever you felt like it.

The window beside you is letting the sun’s dying rays light up your cherry blossom hair. You’ve crossed your arms and are staring out into the evening with a strange expression on your face, an expression that I have never seen you wear before, not once. Your eyes are half closed, your eyebrows knitted together and it would have been a frown if it weren’t for a slight smile on your lips. You don’t look unhappy and yet there is something bittersweet in your expression … you look _wistful_ , yes, that’s it.

_The lights of the city are so pretty …_

The singer croons in a light, sweet voice and conjures up images of a couple walking hand-in-hand through a brightly lit avenue as the night draws in. For some reason the couple look a little like you and I, but that can’t be right. I focus instead on the view through the window behind you: the sun is setting and bathing the sky in crimson, the city’s lights are glistening like a string of diamonds below.

My gaze returns to you. Truth be told, I couldn’t avoid staring at you even if I wanted to. It is peculiar … as of late I find myself unable to understand what has been happening behind those blue eyes of yours. Who could have thought that you, usually an open book, could be so enigmatic?

_… Blue Light Yokohama …_

The black vinyl disk goes round and round.

Brother and I are like a broken record repeating the same dismal sequence over and over again, but you … you aren’t like that. For you it is not too late.

If only I could make you see the truth. Don’t you realise that this is all my fault, that I made my brother the way he is? I am a witch, plain and simple, everything I reach out to shrivels up and dies under my fingers … only the roses can stand my touch. Long ago I was poisoned by the world, but I absorbed it and made it my own. Now everything fears my venom, everything, that is, except you.

And that’s the strangest thing … I have fangs, and perhaps I once would have enjoyed hurting you with them, but now, now I want nothing more than to be the tame beast you think I am. I’d like to believe the illusions my brother has cast on your mind – believe we are ordinary people, nothing more than a brother falling in love with his sister’s friend and stealing her away – I could live with that.

… _I’m happy with you …_

But neither he nor I are the people we’ve led you to believe we are - and once you saw our true form, I was sure you would run like every other sane person would upon seeing us for what we are – for what I made us.

Why that obnoxious Nanami girl didn’t tell you … she can never keep her mouth shut, but the one time I actually wanted her to be loud, she was silent. I wanted her to scream in horror, to run into your room and tell you what she had seen, but she didn’t, what she saw hit too close to home … I underestimated her fragility.

Of course, my brother and his pet prince capitalised on that and orchestrated another duel. I wanted her to cut you loose from this sick game, instead I ended up tightening the noose as only one more obstacle remained between you and the final duel, the duel of revolution.

_Please let me hear …_

That obstacle, that false prince of the red rose, was one you had previously stumbled over and I thought you might again … don’t think I couldn’t tell where you’d been all night long, I know the scent of his cologne, I know when the projector is turned on …

_… those words of love from you …_

In the arena, part of me hoped you would choose him, but another part of me was overjoyed when you stood your ground. I know I shouldn’t have helped you, I know the Rose Bride ought to only lend the Victor’s sword strength when the victor commands her to … but as the cars rushed past us and I clung to you, I felt almost warm as I thought of how you chose me over a boy who could offer you something I never could.

But that night, I realised the enormity of my mistake. Now, you were trapped. Now, there was only one duel remaining, one that you would not even end up fighting … after all, my brother has won your heart, I know it from the way you sometimes murmur his name as you sleep … but even if you should fight your prince – which you won’t, why would you, you love _him_ – it is a duel you would lose … my brother cannot be defeated.

… _Blue Light Yokohama …_

I have been selfish, living on borrowed time … this time was never ours, it was his, his to groom and seduce you and I was the devil’s handmaiden, leading you to the altar as both Bride and Sacrifice … he thinks if you take my place, perhaps then the Rose Gate will open … but those blades are meant for me, not you.

The revolution of the world can wait.

I deserve this, I chose this a long time ago – but you are not meant to be part of this ritual, I know it. Fate is cruel, but not _that_ cruel. I have kept you for too long: you deserve to fly free as a bird without me weighing you down.

If breaking your heart is the only way to ensure it continues beating, then I know what I must do.

That night, I revealed the truth to you. I watched your blue eyes widen in horror as I finished what brother began and stole the remainder of your innocence.

It is a shame. I have enjoyed playing at being your princess, I think I might even miss it.

_I’m swaying like a small boat in your arms …_

But you didn’t run like Nanami did … you didn’t shout or cry. You froze … and then you chose him. It’s strange, just when I think I know you, when I think I understand how you will react – you undo all my careful scheming in the blink of an eye.

My plan backfired, I only pushed you further towards him and I didn’t know how to undo my mistake. I stayed in the rose garden until dusk fell and I tried not to feel your absence … how stupid of me, considering how long I have stood here tending the roses all by myself until you decided to come and join me every day … every day, except that day.

It’s not like I was hurt, no, I was not angry or upset, I was fine, I should have anticipated you would choose him, of course you would. But now I was running out of options … how could I save you from yourself?

_I hear your footsteps coming …_

All afternoon I wondered how your date with my brother was going, what you were talking about, what you were doing … were you letting him touch you, make you sigh the way I sometimes hear you sigh while you sleep? I like to watch you when I can’t drift off, see your chest rise and fall, feel the warmth of your hand in mine …

Brother told me you’d reached for his hand when he revealed the Ends of the World to you. I can still feel his breath tickling my cheek, remember the way he’d leaned down and reached for me, pressed his palm against mine. “It was just like this, Anthy”, he’d whispered and I’d found myself wondering what it would feel like, to hold your hand like that and teach you what it means to be an adult …

_… Blue Light Yokohama …_

The rose garden had grown dark when I admitted you wouldn’t come to me and for some reason that thought made me feel hollow. But that was just a trick of my mind, I can’t feel anything - after all, I’m not really here.

Once I’d returned to our room I decided to wait for you - I wanted to see your face, even if it meant feeling another blade slice through me. Would you be triumphant, would you gloat, rub your day out with him in my face?

Or would you ignore me?

Neither, it turns out. You were … solemn. You were awkward. You were _unhappy_ , I realised. You didn’t meet my eyes, but you spoke to me, you stood near me, reached out your hand and for a second I thought you wanted me to hold it, so I did … then you shuddered and I wished I hadn’t.

_Give me one more tender kiss …_

But I wanted you to know.

I wish we could stay this way forever … I do. It’s not like I don’t want you to have him. Insipid, two-faced Kanae, never, but you, why would I deny you anything, you who never denied anything to me – but I don’t want him to taint you with his poison, our poison, _my_ poison.

Strangely enough, you seemed to respond, your thumb brushed the back of my hand … however, you were silent for the rest of the night.

As I watched you sleep fitfully, I came to the conclusion that I don’t understand you at all. First you are shocked, then you are angry with me and choose to stand by my brother, to become his princess … but then you tear up his letter.

Surely even you know by now? You know who he really is, you have known for a while … so why would you reject his offer? Why do you look so furious as you tear it to shreds?

If you aren’t running away but aren’t accepting his offer either, does that mean … even you can’t be that foolish … surely you aren’t going to fight him? Why would you? He is your prince, you came all this way to be with him … and if you don’t leave this place you will remain trapped for eternity – I can’t allow that, no, not you – if you don’t leave, then perhaps …

Perhaps I am the one who should leave … leave forever. I think of the drop from the chairman’s tower …

Time is running out … but you haven’t made your decision yet, I can still do this another way.

_This will always be our world …_

It never was.

I decided to keep the torn letter and spent this morning taping it back together. I hope you will come around once your temper has cooled, but I can tell you are pensive all day. This quiet, brooding mood of yours is new … usually your displeasure is like a summer storm: powerful, but quick to pass over once appeased … not now, now it’s measured and full of determination.

I watched from afar as you talked and played badminton with the other poor fools that fell into our trap and sought to attain the unattainable … what was it you laughed with them about?

The song has ended, the crackle of the vinyl is the only sound bridging the distance between us.

Outside, the sky has turned lavender and the evening star is hovering above the horizon. I suddenly catch your eye and wonder for how long you’ve been studying me in the window’s reflection. You don’t flinch from my gaze, don’t attempt to hide that you’ve been staring. Instead, you turn around and look at me – _really_ look at me, your eyes unwavering, but not unkind. I suddenly want to shrink from that piercing blue because I can’t remember the last time I felt so consciously perceived by another.

What is it that makes your eyes soften now?

“I hope the music didn’t bother you”, you say as you remove the shiny black disk and put it back in it’s protective sleeve, “My parents loved this song … it’s one of the few things about them I can recall clearly. I just thought if I heard it again it might help me remember …”

The expression you are wearing now is familiar, you have that searching, pensive look you wore in the Rose Garden just before my brother took you away and again immediately before the false prince issued you his final challenge.

Whatever it is that is vexing you, it fades from your face and is replaced by a smile – warm and genuine, one that you haven’t bestowed upon me in a few days, one I didn’t realise I could miss so much.

I don’t understand. You should hate me, everyone else does and they don’t have half the reasons you do … I’ve manipulated you, made you fight people you believed were your friends, destroyed your peace of mind, led you into the arms of a man who is everything you are not … _I_ hate me, so why don’t you?

But of course I don’t say any of that. I smile back at you and watch as you put the record player away, then turn to me and say: “It’s getting late, Himemiya. Let’s have tea.”

**Author's Note:**

> "Blue Light Yokohama" was originally meant to be used in Episode 27 of the series, but they ended up choosing "Scat of the Dawn" instead. So I thought I'd find a way to include it in my headcanon ... 
> 
> If you have any thoughts or feedback, I'd be happy to hear it!


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